1. |
In Retrospect
02:22
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I can't stop thinking about the way things change. I'm alone these days. A sharp reminder of the way I am not owed an explanation for the way things come and go. Is it worth it to want to know? I watched you fade in that rear view mirror, and as I drove away I said, "for every moment spent getting by, I could have made the most instead." Though I was unaware at the time that the emotion of each moment would last. They helped to shape my understanding of life, and I'm a product of the sum of my past. I watched you fade away in that rear view mirror, and as I drove away I said to myself, those were the good times. You never see them come, but know precisely when they go, and as I look back now I know, those were the good times. Bittersweet, small victories, and lessons in defeat. Those were the good times.
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2. |
Nervous Hands
02:38
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You found me in pieces. I was disconnected and withdrawn from life. Clear thoughts through a clouded mind are self destructive, as I pushed away the world one love at a time. As I further distanced myself, these walls meant to keep it all out began to redefine the lines between my life and my former self. And until now I let them win. If I can't erase all this doubt, then the best I can do is ignore it for now. Because I am tired of this life on a shelf, and of searching for something in vain that can never be found. I'm too guarded to trust. I'm too selfish to love, and far too critical of everything and everyone. Including myself, especially myself. I make excuses why I can't instead of sorting them out. So this is the first step and with nervous hands, I'll turn dreams into tangible plans. And the only difference there is between now and the past is that I'm finally waking up. My eyes are open and I finally feel alive. It felt safer to keep it all at arms length. I remember a time when I felt like I was an empty shell, but now I'm coming back to life.
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3. |
Autumn
01:48
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Mint, cologne, and stale cigarette smoke all leave traces of a place that lately doesn't feel like home. And I know despite my best attempts, I can't choose to ignore that September never felt so cold in any year before. If I give this a name, it makes it all more real. If I open up my heart and find I don't have a soul, will it inspire me to search? Or will it swallow me whole? Will my anxiety define me for the rest of my life? Or will self pity be the drug that I consume to survive? If I'm still breathing, does that mean that I am really alive? This empty shell is just a vessel, barely carrying life.
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4. |
Displaced
03:20
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Here lies the memory of man. Were you a brother? Were you a son? Were you a friend? Will every word you left unsaid, and every moment you don't get to spend be missed? Or will this be the last account that you had lived? And a piece of me was left buried there in a sea of sand. No one thinks that it is ever going to happen to them, but I am no different than him. Will I fade the same way? I'm overwhelmed by the realization that for every joy and every loss I'm but one in an infinite. My apprehension. An imperfect appendage suspended in time, a scene replayed in my mind when I can't make sense of life. When I can't sleep through the night. I'm drifting further than I've ever been. All too aware now of the disconnect. And I wish that I could pretend that it didn't exist, that this distance isn't all that's left. It was by chance there that I came to know, but I find refuge here in letting go. A brother. A son. I'll too be forgotten soon after I'm gone.
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